Sunday, October 23, 2016

Taking a Seat

I know what I expected life to be like.

What I hoped for... dreamed of...

I don't know exactly how I imagined growing older and raising children would be.

And I don't know if those thoughts, those dreams, those hopes were unrealistic... or if some people really get those...  all I know is that I feel like the days and weeks and years are flying by.  As each night comes to a close, I feel like a cat hanging onto it with my claws of regret...

Wishing I had gotten more accomplished, been a better, more attentive Mama, wife, daughter, sister, friend... a better follower of Jesus Christ.... Thinking of all I had planned and hoped to check off my list that sits unmarked. Wishing I had not let so much of my babies' day escape me.  Hating the number of times I said "not now" or "hold on" to them, only to never hear what their little minds and hearts wanted to say to me.

But most of all, I just have this constant nagging feeling that I am missing my life.

Many of you are know of the situation with our new house - but the short version for those who don't is this... we spent 2 weeks after we bought this house feeling like our lives were perfect.  Much like how I felt for a time right before Rachel's diagnosis.  But two weeks in, we were blindsided with one of the biggest betrayals of our lives... the people who sold us this house were not honest on the seller's disclosure and somehow managed to sell us this house while they were in a current and ongoing violation with the town over finishing the basement and attic without permits, which the town was requesting be ripped down - and although the town knew they were selling the house, did nothing to stand in the way. And since then, it has gotten worse and harder and more heartbreaking... and it's taking up entirely way too much of my life to the point that we literally get next to nothing else accomplished in our lives these days except dealing with lawyers, making phone calls, the town, cutting down walls and trying to live in less than 1/2 of the house we bought.

I have been trying to hear God - trying to understand what I'm supposed to do.  I do not feel like He is punishing us, but I do know He gave me direct guidance to walk away from this house and, right before we were supposed to buy it, I did.  I backed out and felt PEACE... but the sellers came back to us and so we decided to accept and bought it.  And the peace left that day and has never returned.  There is great blessing in listening to God, even when it doesn't make sense - and we are suffering the pain of shutting out His voice and choosing our own understanding... I'm not upset with Him... but I do wish He would have stopped us.  I trust that He will use this for our ultimate good, even if that means only to make us more like Jesus - but it hurts.  It hurts a lot.  We left a house that we all loved - that never had any issues - and that Rachel lived in - to move here.  It would have been hard if it stayed feeling 'perfect'... but this?  All of this?  Legal issues, town issues, fines, scare letters, betrayal... it's all too much.

Tonight I was working on my Baby Rachel's Legacy stuff - in the middle of tons of messages and questions about the house - and realized I had dropped the ball on not one, but TWO headstone/burial expense assistance requests.  I was printing up the papers, talking to myself and super frustrated that I let these families down, as my kids went off to bed, yet again with my face in the computer and my mind somewhere else...

"I just want my life back!" I snapped as I ripped the headstone invoice from my printer.  "Baby casket in pink" it says.  I just want 2009 back.

I didn't even have a computer then.  I didn't have a dead baby then (minus my miscarriage, but no dead Rachel yet)... No nonprofit... and our house was a solid, dependable and affordable, safe haven for our family.

I feel so preoccupied.  So desperate.  So alone.  So deep in the thick of it that I can't get out.  I am constantly trying to pull myself from the mire and I am tired.  I'm weary.  I'm sad and missing what used to be.  What I dreamed would be.  What I hoped for my kids and husband. How I envisioned our life.

What I want to do is shut this stupid computer and take the facebook app back off my phone and never go on either again.  I want to wake up and look at my KIDS who are growing up whether I'm watching or not.  I want to make them breakfast and SIT WITH THEM instead of constantly being busied with things that don't matter.... but they do, that's the thing.  They matter because the people who sold us this lemon of a house left us in a position where we have no choice but to spend all our time fighting a battle they sold to us.  And I hate them for this.  I hate that they left my kids with this.  I hate that they didn't care what it would do to us, as long as they got what they wanted.  I hate the greed in their hearts.

And no sooner did I start working on my baby casket donations and water started POURING out of my kitchen light!!!  I started crying.  And when I say crying... I mean sobbing.  And I sobbed for a very long time....

I've been trying to tell myself every day that this house is not our HOME.  Our home is in heaven.  We are passing through - we are pilgrims on a journey to our true destination and this isn't it.  I repeat this to myself 100 times a day so that I don't get swallowed up in the pain of what this earthly home is and is not.  I want to have a heavenly perspective.  I need to or I'll drown in my disappointment.

This morning in the shower, I was, as usual, thinking about all of this.  And I found myself singing...

I will life my voice, to worship You, my King
I will find my strength in the shadow of Your wings.
Your love, oh Lord, reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness, stretches to the sky.
Your righteousness is like a mighty mountain
Your justice flows like the ocean's tide....

It's funny, it was one of the first worship songs I ever knew the words to - and I believe the first I ever taught Des... and out of nowhere, there I was singing it in the shower, 11 years later in the middle of a huge trial... and then I randomly blurted out (yes, sharing at the risk of looking crazy, but whatever!)  "You are busied and hurried with many things...."

Woah, where did that come from?  And why did I say it?

Because I am.  And I don't know how to stop - and it's like I don't really have the choice to stop because our lives depend on it... and yet I don't have the choice to not stop, because our lives depend on it.  And I don't know how to be a Mary in a Martha world (yes, I've read the book - twice - and if you haven't, you should!).  Especially with all of this scary stuff happening that I just. want. behind. us.  But no matter how much I do, it seems to get us nowhere.

 I'm a doer - we all know that.  I do things.  but I don't want to anymore.  At least not these things.

I've tried so hard to get an attorney so that I could take this crap off my plate and enjoy my children and have them enjoy their Mama.... but so far we haven't been able to.  We've started a gofundme though and it's raised a little money, but more importantly, it's being shared and that will hopefully bring us some help.

I had another MRI on Friday and within 3 hours of leaving there, the Dr's office called me and wanted me to come in on Monday to go over results.  I asked if that meant they saw something and she wouldn't say... it could be nothing... it could be something... but as always, it leaves me with the overwhelming desire to pursue what is better....

Tonight, I know what that is... but tomorrow, the struggle will pick right back up where it left off and I don't know how to combat that.  Please pray for me.  Pray for us.

Pray specifically for me, that I can live my days, making choices that will have each day ending in a calm peace that knows no regrets.  That I will learn to balance the have-tos and the want-tos and the love-tos and my children's need-tos.  That I will slow down and look at bugs (no smelling flowers with all these boys!)  That I will care about Desirae's 25th conversation about her latest tip in her American Girl Magazine...  That I can get these kids out of this freaking house that is stealing all our joy and do something fun.

Life is passing us by... and not the town or the house, and certainly not the people who sold us this place are worth what I'm giving up in exchange for the drama and injustice they have thrown at us.

I will life my voice, to worship You, my King
I will find my strength in the shadow of Your wings.
Your love, oh Lord, reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness, stretches to the sky.
Your righteousness is like a mighty mountain
Your justice flows like the ocean's tide

I serve a God of love, faithfulness, righteousness and JUSTICE... that will shelter me in the shadow of his wings and give me strength.  I know this.  I've seen it over and over.  I just need to rest in it and somehow surrender my sword and let Him fight for me.  I can't do it anymore.  And one thing I know for sure is the only thing worse than going through these earthly sorrows is missing the heavenly purposes along the way.  That and waking up one day and realizing there are no more chubby fingers and I was too busy with things that don't matter to sit with the ones who do.

I'm taking a seat....  Lord, it's all you....  Yours is the victory, and I will give you praise.

Chronicles 20:17 

But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the LORD's victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the LORD is with you!"

A friend sent this Psalm to me and it was like balm to my soul today ♥

Psalm 46:1-10
God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.[c]

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields[d] with fire.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

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We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes