Saturday, January 8, 2011

Rachum doesn't always take the pain away

Just reading through Lamentations 3 again this morning...ironically titled: The Prophet's Anguish and Hope.  I think this is a good one for me right now...

I already have some underlined in this chapter...

My soul still remembers and sinks within me.  This I recall to mind, Therefore I have hope.  Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed.  Because His compassions fail not.  They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 
 Lamentations 3:20-23

My bible has these little side notes called "Word Study" - I saw the word rachum and it caught my eye since it's close to Rachel.  She's always on my mind and heart.  I looked closer to find that the study was on the word compassion and it is from the Hebrew word rachum.  Here is what it says:
This word is related to the word for a womb.  It refers to a mother's protective love for a helpless child.  It is expressed in acts of service for a weaker person.
So, this morning I am reminded that I had compassion on my girl.  She is my precious daughter.  I had a protective love for her from the moment she was conceived and do, even still.  She was helpless; a weaker person.  I took care of her in a special way and was her strength...I still do and still am.  I saw beyond any imperfection she had according to the world and loved her with an everlasting and unfailing love; always will.  I longed to be with her...still do.  I smile at the thought of her and cry at the thought of the sin in the world causing her death.  I never wanted it to be this way.  Some day, because of Jesus, I will see her again.

And then God turned that around for me and "said":

I have compassion on you, my girl.  You are my precious daughter.  I had a protective love for you from the moment you were conceived and still do.  You are helpless; a weaker person.  I took care of you in a special way and was your strength...I still do and I still AM.  I see beyond any imperfection you have according to the world and love you with an everlasting and unfailing love; always will.  I have longed to be with you...still do.  I smile at the thought of you and cry at the thought of the sin in the world causing your death.  I never wanted it to be this way.  Some day, because of Jesus, I will see you face to face. 

He still is.  He hasn't gone anywhere.  If I can love Rachel in such a deep and amazing way in my humanness...how much more can God, the maker of heaven and earth, love me? 

I crawled into bed last night after crying painful tears with my husband over the loss of our daughter. I stared at the ceiling and held her blanket close.  I couldn't help but ask "Where are you God?"

and clear as can be I felt Him respond... "I never said it wouldn't hurt."

3 comments:

  1. Hi there. My name is Heather Bixler and I am a third-year MDiv student at Duke Divinity School. For my final project in Dr Amy Laura Hall's class, "Discipleship and Disability," I am collecting stories, insights, reflections and advice from women (and men) regarding the tensions and ambiguities surrounding prenatal testing, lifestyle changes around pregnancy, and the commitment to welcome all life. A friend whose son had anencephaly pointed me to your blog and I believe many of the stories you have posted will be really helpful in my project, particularly regarding Rachel's birth plan.

    My hope is to compile a zine or booklet of sorts that could serve as a resource for other women who have questions regarding pregnancy and prenatal testing. Because this is a project for class, I don't anticipate this to be widely distributed by any means or published in any official way. I will likely hand out copies to contributors and friends. With this in mind, do you think it would be possible to reprint some of the stories from your blog? I'm hoping to have this project finished by mid February.

    Thank you so much,
    Heather Bixler

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  2. Wow....what a beautiful reminder of who God is to you and to all of us women. He loves us in our imperfect state. Thank you for sharing. Praying for you still...... Lots of love.

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  3. Thank you for sharing this with us! I'm deeply moved by your and Jeremiah's words.
    I'm praying for you, anja

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